


Working My Way Back To You

by Jenny Lynne (jenny_lynne)



Series: Same Thing Verse [2]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012) RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Hurt Jared Padalecki, Jared is a dad, Jared was in the army, Lawyer Jensen, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), mechanic Jared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 02:50:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16076804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenny_lynne/pseuds/Jenny%20Lynne
Summary: It's been almost ten years since they were a couple. Now Jensen's a successful lawyer with a jealous boyfriend and Jared's just been discharged from the army after an incident left him with TBI and a bum leg. Will they overcome the things that drove them apart, that are still keeping them apart? Or are they doomed to repeat the same mistakes they made in high school?





	Working My Way Back To You

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. None of the real people named in here belong to me. They are just illusions of my muse.
> 
> 2\. I do not have a medical degree. Everything I know about TBI I got from reading autobiographies. So, if I got something wrong, I apologize.
> 
> 3\. I must as always thank my wonderful beta, Candygramme.

#  **PART I**

Jared is angry. He doesn't need a shrink to tell him that. He's angry at everything, and everyone but most particularly at the army. He knows he shouldn't be, because he's lived with the possibility for 10 years that he'd be wounded or worse. Hell, he has buddies who never made it back to wives or girlfriends and children.

He's angry all the same.

And this is an improvement.

One minute he was playing poker with a couple of other sergeants in Afghanistan and the next he was waking up in the hospital in at Fort Belvoir in Virginia. Twenty-seven days had passed. Not that he would know. Not only did he not know where he was or how he'd gotten there, but he couldn't ask. In fact, he hadn't been able to move anything. He'd been sure he was paralyzed and trapped inside himself. He was terrified he'd spend decades like that, and he couldn't bear it.

Later, he'd learned there had been an ambush. He wasn't even supposed to be on the mission. Hell, it wasn't even really a mission. Another base needed a modified top-secret Hummer that happened to be in his motor pool. The private he'd assigned to drive it turned up sick to the gills from some unauthorized partying the night before. Jared hopes he read the guy the riot act and maybe put him on report. And he knows exactly what he'd done in that situation. He wouldn't have forced someone else under his command to go on short notice. So he went.

That's what they say anyway. He still doesn't remember any of it after the poker game -- no alcohol allowed -- the night before.

And what did he get for his trouble? A broken neck, broken right and left clavicles (collar bone and top of back), a shattered left hand, and a left leg broken in three places. But the worst of it is the severe brain injury (TBI), the current most common injury among soldiers in Afghanistan. Only his isn't mild. No, Jared has to admit, he's never been one to go in half-way.

Honestly, when they weren't saying he wouldn't survive, they were saying he'd be about as useful as a vegetable the rest of his life. They said he'd never be able to sit up on his own without straps holding him into a chair. They said he'd never stand again. They said he'd never speak again or be able to do or think anything everyone else takes for granted -- like basic math or reading comprehension or blinking.

Jared fucking proved them wrong.

But it's not over. He isn't 100% and he probably never will be.

In the meantime, the army is discharging him. His third enlistment is up. He'd planned to get out then anyway. He has other responsibilities now. However, the hospital is also discharging him to make room for other wounded warriors and he doesn't begrudge any of those, but it still pisses him off. It feels a little like he's being abandoned, kicked to the curb by the very country he's spent 10 years putting himself in danger for.

And now he can't put it off any longer. He has to face everyone, see the pity on their faces. He has to deal with life  _ out there _ and that's much harder than learning to walk and talk all over again.

So, yes, he's angry.

***

Jared knows he's being childish, but he doesn't care. He's having one of his bad days. Okay, lately, they're almost all bad days. Today is actually not the worst, but it's certainly not tolerable. Most of it's his mood, the rest is the pain. Besides the headache inching into a full grown migraine and the increasing body aches from sitting in a car too long, he's pissed about always being treated like a child like he's not 29 years old.

First, his adoptive mom, Valerie Amell, insisted he shower with the door ajar so she could hear if he fell because of his gimp leg. Sure, he only just got off the crutches and moved to a cane, but he can fucking lean against the shower wall and take a damn shower in peace. In the hospital they insisted on bathing him, which was stupid since they were supposed to be teaching him to do for himself. Not to mention humiliating. He just wants some independence, some time to himself, something he hasn't had in half a year. He just wants to feel like an adult. 

Then she laid out his clothes and his meds. His bio mom never once laid out his clothes, and maybe if he'd been say, 20 years younger, he'd really have appreciated it. This morning it just pissed him off. 

It's not like he can get his clothes wrong. She's bought him a whole new wardrobe since he's lost so much weight since the -- what are they calling it? The ambush? No, the  _ incident. _ Anyway, it's all mix and match. He's never been so coordinated out of uniform in his life. No matter what shirt he grabs, it'll match whatever pair of pants he grabs. All his socks are either white or black and he only has work boots and tennis shoes which he wouldn't be caught dead in outside of the gym.

The straw that broke the camel's back though happened at breakfast when she started cutting up his pancakes. Seriously! He's 29 years old. He can cut up his own damn pancakes. It might take longer for him to get his bad hand to handle the knife in conjunction with the other hand using the fork, but at least he's doing it for himself.

So he had a tantrum. Really, that's the only way to describe it. Childish for a 29 year old and yet not the only one he's had in the last few months. He knows he should feel bad about it, but he's not apologizing.

The SUV pulls to a halt. Jared instantly sits up, alert and curious. They're at a gas pump at an honest-to-God truck stop. The real thing. Not one of those places with a fast food chain and sparkly pink trucker hats next to the practically pornographic mud flaps. Greasy food, underpaid waitresses, and grumpy truckers.

"I thought we'd get something to eat since we need to stop anyway," his mom says. 

He blinks owlishly at her and nods. "I'll get us a table? My treat." And that's as close as he'll get to an apology. He's never been one for social etiquette. 

She nods. "Sounds good. I'll be right in. Just gotta run to the little girl's room." She gives him one of those motherly smiles he always sought out when he was young. When his bio mom was...less of a mother and more of a disinterested, mostly absent roommate. He doesn't remember when he stopped thinking of her as Mrs. Amell and started mentally accepting her as his mom. He thinks maybe he always thought of her as mom even before the adoption when he was seventeen.

He nods again and begins the agonizing and agonizingly slow process of climbing out of the SUV. He has to unfold the walking cane, ease himself around so his feet are on the ground, pull himself up using the door as leverage to stand, and finally stepping free.

She's probably almost finished pumping the gas by the time he gets to the diner part of the truck stop. He chooses an empty table as close to the door as possible. Time was he would have found a booth in the back, but the less he has to walk, the better, and booths are like death traps, worse than the car for getting in and out.

By the time he's eased into the chair and stretched his aching leg out, a bubblegum pink lipstick-wearing waitress, who couldn't be older than 19, has bounced over to the table with a menu. He asks for a second menu and tells her he'll wait until Valerie gets there. 

Back in the day, the pretty blond might have looked disappointed he was with someone. That happened more often than not thanks to his dimples and his flirting, but these days, he doesn't bother with either and she just looks at him with barely disguised pity.

Valerie arrives in time for the second menu and they order their drinks. She encourages Jared to get a milkshake because he can use all the calories he can get. He just frowns at her, but he does order a double cheeseburger, fries, and onion rings. The onion rings are a nice passive-aggressive way to express his displeasure with -- well, everything. After all, she's the one who'll be stuck in the car another few hours with him.

Valerie orders a salad and makes a joke about watching her waist.

 

Jared has convinced the waitress to give him a bag of ice for the road and he spends the rest of the day in the car icing his knee. Really, he'd like to dunk the whole leg in ice or envelop it in a wet heat. Neither help for very long.

He tries to ignore his aches and pains by thinking about the weeks and months to come. More rehab, more therapy, more doctors. Plus, he'll be a burden on his family, living in Stephen and Emily's renovated garage. His adoptive parents are even moving from Riverside to be nearby. They say it's to be close to their grandchildren but he knows it's really because of him. He needs some sort of supervision so he doesn't do anything reckless like start a kitchen fire or fall down in the shower or wander off in the city and not know how to get back home. Sadly, all of those are possibilities. 

What scares him the most is not being able to take care of his 13-year daughter, Tori. She's the most important thing in his life, everything that's kept him going. He only met her four years ago. Her mother, Kelly, never told him about her until Tori pressured Kelly into finding her dad. 

Apparently, when she got pregnant, her natural inclination was not to tell the bad boy from the wrong side of town. He actually doesn't blame her. Everyone involved is probably a better adjusted person because Jared would have insisted on doing the right thing and marry her. Stuck in a loveless marriage and resentful for it, Jared would just have been repeating his parents' mistakes. They would have been miserable and maybe he would have ended up a drunk good-for-nothing too.

Instead, Kelly had gone on to college and become an accountant and he had met Jensen. Even though he and Jensen didn't end up together, he still clings to those memories, the happy ones anyway.

He pushes away the thoughts of Jensen for the time being. That's another worry he'll have to deal with when he gets to L.A. It's bad enough he's facing the pity from his family, but seeing pity on Jensen's face would crush him.

So he focuses on Tori. Three years ago, Kelly succumbed to cancer and Jared officially adopted Tori. For about 10 minutes. The army doesn't allow single parents. So Jensen handled the adoption and then the change of guardianship to Stephen and Emily. Jared decided to get out of the army when his tour ended. He had no idea at the time the horrible twist his discharge would take.

Now because Jensen's an awesome lawyer, the guardianship will revert back to Jared. He thought before  _ the incident _ that he wasn't prepared for parenthood. He's terrified about what kind of parent he'll be now that he's broken. What if he traumatizes her for life? What if something happens to her because he's not all there? What will happen to her if…

And he spent the rest of that car ride filling his head with doubts and apprehension.

***

The day before Jared moves into his new apartment in Stephen and Emily's garage, Jensen moves out of the apartment he's shared with his boyfriend for 2 ½ years.

So, Jensen's angry. Of course he is. His now ex-boyfriend is a paranoid, jealous asshole. Everything was fine until Tahmoh found out Jared was moving to L.A. Suddenly, he didn't want Jensen to spend time with the Amells and, in particular, Jared. Tahmoh said he couldn't compete with Jared and Jensen tried to point out that Tahmoh was the one he was with now. He and Jared haven't been involved in 10 years. 

Well, okay, there was that one week four years ago when Jared was on leave and Jensen and Tahmoh had been broken up for 6 months. As awesome the sex had been, Jared had started acting squirrely after the first week and spent the second week of his leave at Stephen and Emily's. Jensen didn't totally begrudge Jared needing to spend quality time with his daughter, but he'd wished Jared would have stayed with him his whole leave. It's not like he didn't see her at all the first week.

Not long afterward, he and Tahmoh got back together.

And now all of a sudden, Tahmoh is being an idiot. Giving him ultimatums. Telling Jensen he wants him to distance himself from his friends or worse, give them up entirely, friends he's known over a decade, almost three times as long as he's known Tahmoh. Friends he thinks of as family. 

Hell, even though he and Jared aren't a couple anymore, Jared's still important to him. Jared was his first real love -- he doesn't count that two-timing jackass Matt. And though Jared never said the words, he knows Jared loved him, maybe still loves him in his own way. He knows Jared made every effort to change for Jensen. Things were just always more complicated and difficult than they should have been.

Tahmoh knows the story. He knows Jared and Jensen didn't work out romantically and yet he's certain Jensen and Jared are going to get back together. He practically accused Jensen of already planning to leave him for Jared. Which is why this whole "break" thing is stupid.

Since he was the one who moved into Tahmoh's apartment, he's the one who has to move out. He's just lucky a former client has an apartment for rent. Maybe by the time the client finds a permanent tenant he and Tahmoh will have worked things out.

Stephen, being the awesome friend he is, helps Jensen carry his boxes up three flights of stairs and takes Jensen out for beers afterward. He even offers to take Jensen to a male strip club because he'd do something similar for his straight friends if they broke up. Jensen appreciates the offer but doesn't inflict man candy on Stephen.

Jensen's still pissed off when he goes to bed that night. Alone.

***

#  **PART II**

Fortunately, the kids are all at sleepovers when Jared and his mom arrive in L.A. It's not that he isn't looking forward to seeing his daughter and nieces. He's just physically and mentally exhausted after the four day trip across country. His head is kind of foggy, and his leg aches. He just wants to sleep. He must look terrible, because Emily doesn't even bother giving him the grand tour of his new disabled-friendly studio apartment. Instead, she just shows him the bed and the bathroom.

Jared sleeps for 14 hours.

Once he's awake, he explores his new space. 

The shower is more than big enough for someone his size and it has a small bamboo bench and a metal handle build in. The fridge is some new-fangled thing with a built in computer on the front. There's a handbook an inch thick which he leaves untouched on the counter. The fridge is stocked with water, Dr. Pepper, fruit, and sandwich fixings. There are TV dinners in the freezer and a microwave to heat them with. Plus, a small cafe table with a few folding chairs.

The bed is king-sized, again sized for his 6'4" frame. There's one of those lounge chairs with the button to either lean back and pop up the foot stool or raise him to standing. He honestly thinks that's too much. A dresser and a closet are available for storage.

Finally there's a 40" flat screen on top of an empty bookshelf. His books are all in Riverside in boxes where they've been for 10 years. His motorcycle is there as well. Not that he'll ever be able to ride it again. He'll be lucky to get behind the wheel of a car with his condition. Not to mention the danger of an accident finishing him off.

There are no pictures on the walls. At least they let him make some decisions about his personal space.

His luggage has been set by the door to the house. There's another door leading out to the driveway so he can have his own entrance and exit and be somewhat independent.

It's the middle of the night and he doesn't want to wake anyone so he goes about putting away his things. He organizes his clothes like the CBT therapist suggested. He carefully lays out his electronics on the bookshelf next to the TV and creates a charging station. His pants all have multiple pockets, similar to the ones he wore in Afghanistan. Lots of places for stashing things. So as long as he never leaves the house without stashing his brand new iPad and new iPhone and wearing his new iWatch, he should be able to keep appointments, find his way around L.A., and contact someone to help him when things get mucked up.

Jared hates that he needs all this redundant structure to function. He hates that his life is so different now. He used to be laid back and, while not a peppy kind of person, generally happy with a cynical bent. Now he's just angry and sad all the time.

***

When Tori comes home the next day, things are awkward. Of course they are. Jared's been an absent dad all of her life. A week here or there, video chats, and emails don't make up for not being there. He knows better than most. Then when her mom died, he dumped her with strangers and disappeared again. Not to mention the last 7 months. He's been on complete radio silence with everyone but Valerie. Hell, there were some days when he didn't even remember having a daughter during the early weeks.

She doesn't really know him and the dad she remembers is long gone. They pretty much have to start over. Something exacerbated by the fact that she's a teenager. Within a day, Jared is infinitely grateful Emily never went through the overly dramatic the-world-is-going-to-end because whatever.

***

Jensen hasn't seen Jared since he moved in with Stephen and Emily. He took Rachel to lunch with the intention of giving her a break from the stress. She's returning to Riverside in a week so she can pack up her house for the move to here.

During lunch, she warns him that Jared isn't the Jared he remembers. Jensen assumed as much. He's read up on TBI. He's not sure what exactly to expect but he has an idea what the symptoms are. He even read a couple of autobiographies by women with TBI. They were both hopeful and discouraging all at once.

She also gives him motherly advice about his relationship with Tahmoh. Nothing negative like his own mother would.

"Jensen, I don't want to meddle."

"I know, but I value your advice. I just don't know how to fix this."

"Sweetie, this is the second time the two of you have broken up, isn't it?"

"This isn't a break up, just a separation." Jensen says miserably.

"The thing about separations is nothing gets fixed while you're apart. The problems fester. You have to ask yourself what the heart of the problem really is. Can it be fixed? Are you both willing to do what needs to be done?"

"Tahmoh's just being stupid. I think if he has time to cool off, he'll realize how ridiculous he's being," Jensen says.

"Will he? Better yet, ask yourself if he's really being ridiculous," she says.

Jensen opens his mouth and then snaps it shut. He sits back in his seat. "Well, of course he's being ridiculous. Jay and I are just friends. Things just didn't work out between us."

She purses her lips and bobs her head in a nod. "Okay." She shrugs. "Now just convince him."

Jensen can hear the doubt in her voice. He doesn't want to think about what she's implying. He and Jared just don't work. They were too different. Things were too complicated. They couldn't work things out.

And then it dawns on Jensen, he and Jared desperately wanted to make things work but the world kept getting in their way until it drove a wedge between them. Tahmoh says he wants to work things out but the only thing keeping them from doing so is...well, Tahmoh. Jensen hasn't done anything wrong.

Jensen nods. "I'll give him a couple of weeks to straighten his head out and then I'll talk to him."

Valerie looks like she wants to say something else, but instead she asks how his fish tacos are.

Jensen's all too aware of the change of topic.

***

Jared's spent his first week just getting acclimated. He's set up some appointments with the social worker and at the V.A. rehab clinic. He and Stephen joined a nearby gym on the bus route. He's made note of where it is, and what his locker number is, in his digital notebook on his iPad that syncs with his phone. He has another document with a list of exercises he should be doing for rehab.

He's also gone to Tori's softball practices every day. He only got lost twice. She's really good and he tells her so. She looks skeptical, but he assures her she is. He tells her he wasn't an athlete in school. He's so proud to be the dad of a talented pitcher like her. It goes a little way toward making up for the last 7 months. She's still not calling him "dad", but she's switched from Jared to Jay so he counts that as progress.

So far he hasn't seen Jensen. That has been both a relief and a source of anxiety. The longer he waits, the more it builds. He just doesn't want to see the pity on Jensen's face.  He sees it so often on everyone else's. But on Friday afternoon when Emily springs the fact that Jensen is coming to dinner, he's almost relieved.

He's also got the beginnings of a headache.

***

Jensen is stupidly nervous about going to dinner at the Amells. It's not like he doesn't eat there 3 or 4 times a month at minimum. Hell, he knows where Emily hides the good chocolate. He's family.

No, it's Jared. He's expecting awkwardness. Jared had refused to see anyone while he was in the hospital. Jensen's feelings had been hurt, but everyone included Stephen and Emily and Tori. Jared was being Jared is all.

Then there's the fact that they haven't seen each other since Tori's adoption. Jensen had been back with Tahmoh then and Jared had been distant. Jared and Tahmoh don't get along. Jensen's always suspected it's more Tahmoh than Jared. Recent events seem to re-enforce that assumption.

He rings the bell at the Amell's. He can hear the squealing from his two goddaughters as they race to the door. And then he has armfuls of twin five year olds. They were both talking a mile-a-minute, each telling him a different story about her day.

Emily appeared in the doorway with an apologetic smile. 

Jensen responds with an amused look in turn.

"Girls! Alright already. Let Uncle Jensen come in," she says with the hint of laughter in her voice.

By the time they get inside and all the kids have said their hellos and been sent to wash up for dinner, Jensen's forgotten to be nervous. Having hugged Emily and Valerie and exchanged the bro pat on the arm with Stephen, that just leaves Jared.

Jared hasn't gotten up. He's sitting in Stephen's lounge chair watching with that carefully schooled look Jensen has seen a million times. At least he's not glowering at Jensen the way he did back when Jensen first started hanging with their group in high school.

Jensen grins, pushing back the newly resurfaced anxiety. "Jay! It's good to see you, man." He's at the chair in a few steps before Jared can finish the struggle to stand.

At first there's an awkward pause where they try to decide whether to shake or hug. Finally, Jensen just grabs Jared and hugs him tight, maybe too tight and for too long, but he's missed Jared, and he's so relieved Jared is okay.

It takes Jared a little longer before he hugs Jensen back and Jensen doesn't bother to consider the whys.

"It's good to see you too, Jense," Jared says with a hint of hesitation or maybe surprise. Jensen can't say which.

Jensen reluctantly pulls back. "God, how are you?"

Jared actually looks surprised by the question and Jensen wonders if no one actually asks him that anymore. Maybe they don't want to hear the answer or be subject to his response.

Stephen saves him -- whether he's saving Jared or Jensen, he doesn't know. "Umm...dinner's ready, right, Em?"

"Yep, just has to go on the table. Hope you're hungry." She smiles brightly.

"Yeah, and we weren't allowed to try any of it until you got here," Stephen says.

"That's right. That's how you lose a hand," she teases as she turns toward the kitchen.

"I'll help you, hun," Valerie says, following her.

Jared waves them ahead. Jensen pauses at the door to wait for Jared to catch up. His limp is still pronounced even with the cane. He's actually kind of grateful now that Jared kept him away while he was recovering in the hospital. It would have broke his heart to see Jared paralyzed the way he was at first.

He notices Jared studying him with a frown and he suddenly feels guilty. He wonders what was showing on his face to make Jared look at him like that. He forces a small smile on his face. "Really, how are you doing?" Jensen asks.

Jared sighs. "I'm awake and my headache hasn't gotten to migraine levels yet today, so...peachy."

Jensen now understands why Stephen interrupted. Pissy Jared is a bitch for everyone.

Emily's calling the girls and them to the table. 

Jared won't let Jensen wait for him, so he heads into the dining room. He returns Valerie's sympathetic look with a wide-eyed helpless one. He sits between insistent twins, Emma and Amy, and Jared sits at the end of the table opposite Stephen with Tori on his side opposite Emma. 

Dinner might have been quiet but for the chatter from the kids. Tori clearly is making every attempt to keep Jared included in the dinner conversation, but he's looking more and more tired and -- okay, maybe his headache  _ is _ getting worse. Jensen can see it written on his face and in every moment, the way he keeps reaching up to rub his forehead. 

Jensen pretends he doesn't notice but he can tell he's not the only one who has.

It all feels unreal. He knew Jared wouldn't be the same, but this quiet, physically pained Jared is unnerving. He just wants to wrap Jared up in his arms and find a way to fix him.

***

It's after dinner. The girls are all in Tori's room watching the small tv Jared bought her as a belated birthday present. Emily and Valerie are sitting on the sofa, Jensen's in the wingback chair to the side and Stephen is sitting in a dining room chair. Jared is sitting in Stephen's lounge chair -- it's the only one he doesn't really struggle getting out of.

Jared's half asleep thanks to the painkillers he took after dinner but he's listening. Mostly.

"How's the new apartment, Jense?" Emily asks.

Jared tries not to frown. He's glad no one is looking at him. Because isn't that just a kick in the gut? Jensen and Tahmoh have moved into a new apartment together. What did they do? Outgrow the first one? What a great reminder of how much he screwed up. They're probably looking at expanding their little family. A dog or maybe adopting some kid from an underprivileged country.

"It smells like pizza. All the time," Jensen says. "Seriously. My suits are all saturated with it."

"That's right. Stephen said you moved in above some hole-in-the-wall pizza place," Valerie says.

And what the fuck? Why would two lawyers move into a shithole like that? And he knows it's a shithole because when he lived in San Diego while Jensen was in college, he lived in a similar shithole. Only his smelled like Chinese food and pot. Okay, the pot was more because of his roommates, but still…

"Yeah, well, beggars can't be choosers, right?" Jensen replies. "I'm just lucky a former client had this place to rent on such short notice."

Jared rubs his forehead. He's clearly not following this conversation.

"I still think Tahmoh should have been the one to move out," Stephen says.

"It's his apartment," Jensen defends.

"But it was his idea to break up," Stephen says.

"We didn't break up. We're just taking a temporary break."

Jared tries to sit up and pay closer attention. It's just curiosity. Really. He's never liked Tahmoh and he thinks Jensen would be better off without him. That's it. Really.

Stephen snorts. "Please. You moved out. That seems a lot more than temporary."

"Stephen," Emily hisses in warning. "Jensen doesn't want to rehash all of that."

Jared hopes they do rehash all of that, but no one does. Valerie expertly changes the topic to the plans for the big move. Max found a buyer for the store and the house. They don't have a house in L.A. yet, but they plan on living in their RV while they look. 

"It'll be just like camping, but longer," Valerie says, ever the optimist.  "And maybe we can get those boys -- the ones who find you a house and then redo the whole thing? Those brothers-"

" _ The Property Brothers _ ?" Emily asks, looking amused.

"Yes, them. They seem like nice boys. Maybe they can help us."

Everyone chuckles. Jared doesn't. He hasn't felt much like laughing in a long time.

***

Jensen suggests they get dinner or lunch once Jared is settled. Jared is noncommittal in his answer. 

He supposes eventually he'll have to be sociable. Not just with Jensen but everyone. Right now, he just wants to be left alone. He can't do that because he's got a daughter and he wants to be a good dad for her. That means he can't wallow.

So he gets up everyday and has breakfast with the girls. He goes to his appointments. He does his rehab exercises at the gym. He goes to Tori's practices and learns to be some sort of cheerleader type dad. Hell, he never even went to a game or sporting event the entire time he was growing up. Now look at him.

And, okay, he doesn't manage to do everything every day. Some days the pain is just too much. Some days he gets lost, not just physically. He's been lucky not to have had any really bad episodes since arriving in L.A. and none of the kids have had to deal with him when he's in one of his brain fogs. He'd make a deal with the devil to not have any of them have to deal with that.

***

A few days after Jensen came to dinner, Jared is sitting on a stool at the kitchen island watching Emily making cupcakes for a bake sale. He never thought he'd see any of them so domesticated. Though if he's honest with himself, if any of them were going to be, it'd have to be Emily and Stephen.

"So, what's going on with Jensen and Tahmoh?" he asks completely aware he's not being subtle bringing it up out of the blue.

She quirks an eyebrow at him before going back to her batter. "All I know is they had a big fight and decided they need some time apart while they work it all out."

"Time apart like last time?" Jared asks.

She shakes her head. "Last time was a full on break up. Dating other people-" she looks meaningfully at him.

Her stare is enough to make him look away. He refuses to feel guilty about the week he spent with Jensen. That week is full of memories he holds close to his heart. Not that he'd admit it to anyone.

"So what's the fight about?" he asks, pretending he didn't see her stare.

She shrugs. "I don't know. He wouldn't say. Must be big though, right? I mean, they've been together for what three years this time?"

"More." Jared was stupid. He should have asked Jensen to wait. If he had, everything would have been different. He wouldn't have re-enlisted that last time. He would have been around for Tori. He wouldn't be broken now. And then there's the fact that he and Jensen would be together.

And even if things don't work out with Tahmoh, Jared lost his chance years ago. Now he's broken. Half of him is covered in scars. His brain is full of holes. No one's going to want him and he wouldn't inflict his particular brand of issues on anyone anyway. No one should have to deal with his disability, his episodes, his memory fritzes if they don't have to.

Emily stops stirring the batter and turns to him while she wipes her hands on her apron. "You know, I missed this. It's like back when we used to sit on the stoop outside my house in Riverside. We used to have heart-to-hearts."

Jared snorts. "I never did that."

"You most certainly did." Her hands are on her hips in a very motherly pose.

Jared shakes his head. "No, I did not do that touchy feely crap you. Maybe you forced me to listen once or twice, but I didn't participate."

She gives him an incredulous look. "Right, sure. You just bottled everything up, penting until you couldn't pent anymore. You were our resident penter."

"Exactly." He'd actually gotten better about that over the years. Until recently. He really didn't have a lot to be angry about. Sure, daily crap still pissed him off, but for a while he'd been relatively well-adjusted. Well, for him. Now he was just pissed off all of the time.

She sighs in exasperation. "Okay, well, we're going to have a quick heart-to-heart right now."

Jared shakes his head and starts to step down from the stool, grasping the counter to hold his weight.

"No, you don't. You sit right there, Jared Tristan Padalecki."

Jared glares at her. "Don't use my middle name like I'm one of your kids, Em."

"Fine, but you're gonna participate."

He frowns but stays put, because it's Emily, the one girl he might have considered marrying at twelve, the one girl he really respected as a teenager, the one girl he really liked but never tried to sleep with. Emily. 

She nods sharply at him. "Okay. So, here's what I think. If you have even the tiniest interest in getting back together with Jensen-"

"I don't." He says it too fast, too defensive. He flinches inwardly knowing she can hear the lie.

"Fine, but if you did..." She pauses but he doesn't interrupt. "Now might be a good time to test the waters."

"Why? Because he's vulnerable?"

"Because he and Tahmoh are split up."

Jared shakes his head. "No, they're 'on a break'." He uses the air quotes and everything.

"Same thing."

"Maybe you and Stephen think that, but Jensen doesn't. You heard him the other night. He thinks they're just in a rough patch."

"I didn't think you were paying attention."

He shrugs. "It happens."

"Anyway, they were together three years-"

"Three and a half," he says.

"Fine, that's still a long time to be together and then have a fight so significant that one moves out."

"Em, even if I were interested in getting involved with anyone, which I'm not. And if that person was Jensen, he still considers himself part of a couple. I don't get involved with people in relationships."

"But last time-"

"Last time they were 100% broken up. They got back together later. We didn't." He leaves off the unspoken part where he admits he screwed up. Once upon a time, when they first parted ways, Jared held some sort of hope they'd get back together when they were older and more mature, but that sort of fantasy has long been gone.

"Besides," he says. "I'm not looking to get involved with anyone. Even if I did relationships, I have enough on my plate in case you haven't noticed. My life is pretty full."

She frowns at him but nods reluctantly. She starts pouring the batter into cupcake tins. "By the way, you're doing a great job with Tori."

Jared accepts the change of topic gratefully. "I don't know about that. She's still stand-off-ish."

Emily shakes her head. "You're too close to the situation to see it but she really wants to connect with you. Maybe your own baggage gets in the way for you."

He frowns. Yeah, okay. He's tried to imagine how she feels about losing her mom and an absent dad. He gets stuck on the absent dad because it's something he can relate to. His dad walked out on him when he was still a kid. He knows it's different, but like Emily says, maybe he can't see the forest for the trees. Maybe he's projecting.

"Just keep doing what you've been doing. It'll work out."

He takes the batter-covered spoon she offers him. "Okay. If you say so."

***

Stephen and Emily can't always make the games because Stephen works as a teacher at an hoity-toity private school with demands on his time and Emily either has auditions or an actual acting gig.

It also turns out Jensen tries to come to Tori's ball games when he's not in court or doesn't have an emergency meeting with a client. Jared's actually pretty proud of Jensen. Not only did he become the lawyer he always wanted to be but rather than becoming one of those corporate stooges, he went into family law and juvenile defense. He's an advocate for children and young adults. Jared admires him for that.

So they sit together at the next game and Jensen fills him in on all the gossip about the kids' parents. It's like being seventeen again and listening to Jensen talk about the popular people. Only this time, he's actually kind of interested. Maybe this is part of getting old.

The second game he attends, the team wins and Tori pitches exceptionally well. The team goes out for pizza after. Jared tries to tell her to go be with her friends, but Tori insists he and Jensen come too. He experiences a warm feeling all over when she introduces him as her dad. When the coach remarks that he thought Stephen was her father, Jared tries not to take that too hard.

The happy feeling at being called her dad helps to delay the impending migraine that's the result of trying to focus on the game the whole way through despite all the yelling and distractions.She seems to be aware though and she sticks by him the whole pizza party and insists they leave early because she supposedly has homework to do. Jared feels guilty because he's the adult and he's the one who's supposed to be taking care of her.

***

It's raining. Jensen's on his way back from a meeting with the social worker of a young boy whose father is trying to get custody after spending a year in jail. The state has appointed him advocate and Jensen wanted her opinion. He's going over the case details as he tries to avoid other people's umbrellas poking him in the eye.

Jensen sees Jared across the street. He doesn't have an umbrella and he's standing in the middle of the sidewalk with people pouring around him. Jensen knows Jared's Tuesday appointments are nowhere near this part of town. So he makes his way across the street and toward Jared. 

People are bumping into Jared, jostling him and shouting things. Jared doesn't even seem to notice.

"Jay," Jensen says when he grabs Jared's arm, but Jared pulls away. 

Jared doesn't even turn to look at Jensen. 

"Jay," Jensen says a little more demanding and moves so he's in front of Jared. He holds the umbrella over both of them and peers at Jared intently. That's when he sees it. Jared's eyes are glazed and unfocused. He seems to be seeing things that aren't there.

Now people are jostling both of them and saying nasty things about them getting out of the way.

"Let's get you out of here, okay?" 

Jared blinks at Jensen. At least that's how Jensen interprets it.

Jensen looks around, takes Jared's cane, and wraps an arm around Jared to guide him to the coffee shop conveniently located on the corner. He shakes his umbrella out once they're inside and leads Jared to the nearest chair, folding Jared's cane and slipping it into one of Jared's pockets in his cargo pants.

The shop isn't empty but it's not overly busy either. He goes to the counter and asks the bored looking goth barista for a towel and two coffees. Then he looks back at Jared just sitting there staring at nothing out the window and thinks better of it and asks for one decaf, one coffee. 

The barista says he can have the coffee but they can't hand out towels. He offers her $20 and then he's wrapping Jared in a dry towel, trying to get him a little dry.

"Jay, are you in there? Look at me please?" 

When Jared actually turns toward his voice, Jensen is inwardly making a fist pump.

"How'd you get here?"

Jared blinks at him, then tilts his head like he's thinking.

"Okay...let's try something else. Where's your phone?" Jensen knows Jared lives by that phone and his iPad. He's never anywhere without it. It tells him where he's supposed to be and when and how to get there. It tells him when to take his meds which ones and how many. His whole life is structured and Emily once told Jensen that one little thing could throw him way off.

When Jared looks even more confused, Jensen sighs. He checks Jared's pockets and damned if he doesn't have a lot of pockets. He's careful to keep everything in the pockets they belong, but the pocket where the phone goes is empty.

Jensen pulls out his phone and starts to dial Stephen before thinking better of it. Stephen's in class and won't be able to answer. He tries to reach Emily but she doesn't answer.

"Em, this is Jensen. Listen I just found Jay in the middle of downtown really out of it. I'm going to take him home -- uh -- home your place, not mine. Call me when you get this, okay?"

"Is he going to be okay?" the barista asks as she sets the two coffees on the table.

"Yeah, he just needs to rest," Jensen says.  _ And get somewhere familiar _ .

"What's wrong with him?"

Jensen glares at her. He wants to tell her that it's none of her business because it's not, but she's suddenly being helpful so he says, "PTSD."

"Like like from the war?" She's wiping her hands on her apron.

"Yeah, exactly like that. Hey can you bring me the sugar and some cream? I don't want to leave him."

She nods and goes to fetch those things.

"Okay, Jay, let's get you home, okay? Just let me get my car, right?" He hits speed dial and the secretary he shares with three other lawyers answers. "Hey, Lindsey, can you do me a big big favor?"

_ "What kind of favor?" _ She sounds suspicious and he doesn't blame her. Richard a divorce attorney in their office is always pulling pranks.

"I need you to fetch my car and bring it to Deja Brew?"

_ "What am I? Your chauffeur?" _

"No...I just...please, Linds. My friend Jay is very sick." She knows about Jay. Everyone he works with knows. 

_ "Yeah, okay? Keys are in the top drawer?" _

"Yeah, thank you. I owe you big."

_ "I'm thinking lunch at Yoshi's." _

"You got it, thanks."

When the girl brings the sugar and cream, Jensen makes up Jared's decaf the way he remembers Jared liking it. He takes his black. While they wait, Jensen tries to get Jared to drink some to help warm him up.

Lindsey calls him from her cell to say she's around the corner. 

Goth girl brings him a to-go carry container. "I hope he's okay," she says in a quiet voice.

So he leaves the girl another $5 tip and hustles Jared out to the car, trying to balance an umbrella and the to-go container at the same time. 

Half-way there, a bulky man walks up from behind and offers to help carry the coffees and the umbrella. Jensen recognizes him from the coffee shop and gratefully accepts his help. "My brother spent two tours over there, man. I hope your friend is okay." 

"Thanks," Jensen says as he takes the items and hands them to Lindsey.

"Jen?" Jared asks as Jensen's settling him in the front passenger seat. Jensen's relieved he seems to be starting to come around. Though he still sounds extremely confused.

"Yeah, Jay, just give me a sec. We're going home." He slides into the driver's side and Lindsey climbs into the backseat looking extremely concerned. 

"Has he been that way long?"

Jensen starts heading back to the office. With a shrug, he says, "I don't know. I found him like this." He doesn't like talking about Jared like he's not here so that's all he says.

Jared's asleep by the time Jensen drops Lindsey back at the office. She says she'll clear up his schedule for the rest of the day. Then Jensen's on his way to the Amell's house.

***

Jensen gets Jared awake when they get home. "Come on, Jay, let's get in the house and get you into some dry clothes." 

Thanks to his earlier search, he easily finds Jared's keys and gets him into the apartment and sitting in a chair.

"Jen...so tired," Jared says.

"I know, babe, and you can go to sleep once you're out of those wet clothes and dry, okay?" Jensen heads into the bathroom to fetch a towel. He almost misses Jared's adamant "no". He ignores it. He can be adamant too.

However, when Jensen tries to pull the long-sleeved Henley over Jared's head, Jared slaps his hands away. 

"No," Jared says more forcefully.

Jensen sighs with exasperation. "We have to get you out of those wet clothes."

Jared shakes his head. "Don't want you to...help. I'll do it."

Jensen frowns. "You're barely functioning right now. Let me help. It's not like I haven't seen you naked before." Jensen doesn't know where this newfound prudery has come from but it seems really out-of-character.

Jared shakes his head. "Don't want you to see," he slurs as his eyes droop even more. 

Understanding dawns on Jensen. Of course, Jared is self-conscious about his body now. That's why he never wears short-sleeves or shorts.

Jensen runs a hand through his hair and leans in to kiss his forehead. "It's okay, Jay. I won't look, okay?"

"Promise?" He's half asleep now.

"Yeah, I promise."

The thing is that he can't not look. Otherwise, he'd never get Jared out of those soaking wet clothes and into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. But he does try not to stare at the scars covering much of Jared's left side. He keeps himself from reaching out to touch, to see if they are as bad as they look. Instead, he focuses on the task at hand, knowing that later he'll be lying in bed with terrible images in his head. He can't say if his imagination of what Jared might have gone through is worse than seeing the result or vice versa.

Once he's got Jared dressed again and tucked into the bed, he stands there for a moment and watches Jared sleep. He always seems so much younger when he's sleeping, like the weight of the world is off his shoulders, like every bad thing that's happened to him has slipped away.

That's when Jensen realizes how much he's missed going to bed with Jared -- not just for sex, but just to sleep -- and waking up next to him. He misses the warmth of Jared curled up next to each other.

It's not that what he has with Tahmoh isn't special too. It's just different. They're both always so busy with their work and their social lives. They never just sleep in or laze together in bed. He thinks they used to in the beginning but now it's all so...automatic.

Things had never been like that with Jared. Of course, they'd been young then. They thought they'd be together forever. They'd savored every second together.

Until they didn't. 

The arguments started when Jensen was in college. Jared couldn't get work in Palo Alto.  He refused to let Jensen help him. So he'd gone to San Diego. There he'd gotten two jobs, one as a mechanic and the other as a bartender. His schedule and Jensen's school and study schedule hardly ever lined up. Plus, Jensen hated Jared's roommates and Jared called him a snob when he brought it up, but Jensen knew Jared hated them too.

Jared started to think the secrecy of their relationship in Riverside had kept them together because they'd been rebelling against Jensen's family. Jensen knew Jared didn't really believe that because Jared worked so hard to be in a relationship when he never even believed in them before Jensen.

They would have broken up no matter what. Jared breaking up with him and joining the army saved them from eventually hating each other.

But somewhere deep, deep inside him, Jensen had always held the faintest hope that he and Jared would be together again one day. Maybe Tahmoh was right. Maybe he couldn't compete with Jared. Jared was his first real love and maybe he'd always be the one Jensen loved the most.

***

Jared wakes up in his bed in the dark. Everything hurts, especially his head. A quick inventory tells him that he's not wearing the same clothes as this morning. He's pretty sure anyway. He only wears sweatpants to sleep in.

He closes his eyes and tries to focus his faulty memory.

The last thing he really remembers is getting on the bus after physical therapy to go to occupational therapy. He thinks he got lost. There were a lot of people and it started to rain. His mind has muddled things because it's telling him Jensen was there.

So, he's had another episode. He'll have to tell the shrink. If he remembers to write it down.

And, damn it, he had another episode. At least the girls weren't with him.

But the question as to how he got home lingers. And how he got changed. Not that he couldn't have done all of that in his fugue state. It's happened before. But, damn it.

He climbs out of bed, swallows a painkiller,  and heads into the house, hobbling more than usual on his cane. 

Emily and Jensen are sitting at the kitchen island. They turn to him with matching looks of concern.

He would frown at them if he didn't think his head might hurt worse. Instead he leans against the doorway. "What-"

"Jay, sit down. You look ready to drop," Emily says. Jensen gets up and offers the seat closest to the door.

Jared would bitch about how they don't need to treat him like a convalescent, but he actually feels like he might drop. He hobbles over to the seat and barely climbs up on the stool.

Emily gets him a bottled water. "Do you want something to eat?"

Jared shakes his head. "I want to know how I got home."

Emily looks down at her fingers and Jensen looks uncomfortable. 

"I brought you home."

Jared looks perplexed. 

Jensen saves him from asking. "I ran into you down near my office. You seemed...kind of out of it. So, I drove you home."

Jared feels his face flush. "I -uh- thank you." Jared clears his throat and plays with the bottle. "I don't remember."

"I figured."

"Jensen hung around until I got home and then he went and picked up Tori because practice was cancelled."

Jared feels simultaneously relieved and guilty. He's been trying to meet Tori every day after school. Then they ride the bus home together. It was her idea. She could ride on the school bus, but she seems to like taking the public bus system with him. He likes it because they get just a little time just the two of them where she tells him about her day. He's missed a couple of days because they were just bad days. On those days Tori has been picked up by Emily when she picks up the twins.

"She understands, you know," Emily says softly.

Jared shakes his head and then wishes he hadn't when pain spiked through it. "She shouldn't have to."

Emily pats his hand in commiseration.

Jensen clears his throat. "Well, now I know you're okay, I better get going."

"Wait," Jared says, putting his hand on Jensen's arm to stop him.

Jensen turns back to him and waits patiently.

"What...what happened? I can't really remember when these things happen."

Emily bites her bottom lip. "You know, I'm going to go check on the kids and see if Stephen needs anything. He's grading papers." She gets up and walks to the door. "Good night, Jensen."

"Night," Jensen says before she slips out of the room. He sits on the seat Emily just vacated.

Jared waits.

"I don't know how you got there, but I ran into you downtown like I said. You were standing in the rain in the middle of the sidewalk. I realized you were probably having an episode. You know, based on what...what I read." Jensen's fidgeting with a napkin rather than meet him in the eye. Jared doesn't blame him. It's uncomfortable on his end too.

"I think I lost my phone," Jared mumbles.

"Oh, it's in its charger. Emily called around. You left it at physical therapy. Stephen picked it up for you."

Jared nods slightly. "I couldn't figure out what my stop was. I'm not even sure I got on the right bus." Jared hates admitting any of it, admitting he's helpless.

"That public bus system'll confuse anyone." Jensen gives him a weak smile. "You know, I think it was serendipitous I ran into you."

Jared makes a face that looks like he swallowed something bad tasting. "Serendipitous? How can me being lost and helpless be serendipitous?" he says bitterly.

"No, what I mean is, you could have ended up anywhere, but the powers that be put you in my path so I could help."

Jared doesn't believe in powers that be. He doesn't believe in fortune or luck or serendipity. Serendipity would have been if he'd ended up at OT without the fucking phone. 

"If that's what you want to believe, Jense," Jared says.

Jensen winces and Jared's immediately sorry, but he's not going to say so. He doesn't apologize for anything (except to Tori). He figures he's earned the right to say or think anything he wants.

"Right. Well, I have back-to-back meetings all morning tomorrow. I'm gonna head out," Jensen says with a hint of hurt in his voice. He stands. "I'm really glad you're okay, Jay."

Jared bites his bottom lip. "Jen, thank you," he says softly. And that's as close to an apology as he's going to get.

***

Jared likes his case manager, Katie Cassidy. She really understands the system and they always meet at Mickey's Burgers. She claims they have the best fries in town. He hasn't had a chance to make any comparisons but he figures she might be right.

It's a Tuesday when he steps outside after their meeting and sees him. Tahmoh is across the street going into the nice restaurant across the street. He's got his hand on the back of a bleach blonde twink. He even holds the door open for the kid.

Jared frowns. There's no doubt in his mind it's some sort of date. And he can't unsee it or unknow it. He's suddenly back in high school. Only he's not friends with Tahmoh. They don't even like each other. 

And that is the crux of the problem. If he tells Jensen, he'll be accused of trying to break them up on purpose. If he doesn't and Jensen finds out, Jensen might never forgive him.

He checks his calendar. He doesn't have anywhere to be for a few hours when he needs to head over to Tori's school. He goes to Espresso Yourself, the coffee shop on the corner and buys himself a decaf. After he's doctored it up, he sits out on the patio facing the restaurant.

And he waits.

When he sees Tahmoh and the twink come out of the restaurant and part ways with a kiss, he stands and hobbles toward Jensen's jerk boyfriend. Tahmoh is coming right for him and it's only when he's almost to Tahmoh that the lawyer sees him.

Tahmoh looks surprised then self-righteous. That's the look Jared's quite familiar seeing on the lawyer's face. Tahmoh comes to a halt. "Jared."

"Tahmoh." Jared stops in front of him.

"I heard you were back."

"I heard you were Jensen's boyfriend." He leans heavy on his cane though the adrenaline is still pumping through him. He nods in the direction of the twink's back as he disappears around the corner.

Tahmoh glances over his shoulder. "I don't suppose you'll believe he's my cousin."

"No," Jared says scathingly.

"Well, how about Jensen and I are separated then?"

"Yeah, I know about that. I also know that Jensen expects you to get back together."

"Separated people see other people, Jared. I'm sure you get that. You can't tell me you aren't screwing Jensen," Tahmoh accuses. 

Jared resists the urge to punch him. "I'm not. We're not. I don't mess around with people who are already in a relationship. Never have."

Tahmoh snorts. "Right. Like you and Jensen didn't screw like bunnies four years ago."

Jared grabs Tahmoh's very expensive designer suit and pulls him in close so they're faces are inches apart. " _ You _ broke up with him. He was single when we got together, you asshole. If you're feeling slighted by that, you only have yourself to blame. Besides, he picked you after and now you're running around behind his back."

"So what're you going to do? Tell on me?" Tahmoh mocks.

"No. You're going to tell Jensen yourself."

Tahmoh smirks.

"You tell him or I'll come looking for you."

"Really? You?" He eyes Jared up and down with a look of belittlement. "You probably won't even remember this tomorrow. Am I right?"

And that's when Jared punches him. Right in the mouth. He's lucky Jared didn't beat him with his cane. "You fucking tell him," Jared growls before he turns and limps away.

***

Jensen is furious when he knocks rapidly on Jared's door. He has time to get angrier by the time Jared opens the door.

"Did you punch my boyfriend?" Jensen snaps.

"Why hello, Jensen, I'm doing okay, thanks," Jared says before stepping back to reveal a surprised looking Tori sitting at a card table covered in puzzle pieces.

Jensen flushes with embarrassment and just a little guilt. "Oh - uh - sorry. Hi, Tori."

Jared leaves the door open as he makes his way back to the table. "Tor, why don't you head inside? We can finish the puzzle later."

"But-" she starts.

"Please?" Jared says quietly.

She huffs the way only a thirteen year old can. Then she stands and says, "I never get to stick around for the good stuff."

"Night, Tori," Jensen says as she stomps back into the main house.

She doesn't answer him.

Jensen closes the outside door behind him. "Sorry about that."

"I know." Shaking his head, Jared sighs and sits in the chair next to the one Tori vacated. "Now, what did Tahmoh say happened?"

Jensen hesitates because the wind's kind of been blown out of his sails and Jared has neither confessed nor denied he hit Tahmoh.

"He says you accosted him on the street," Jensen says.

"Accosted. That there's a lawyer-type word," Jared huffs. "Did he say why I did this?"

Again no confirmation or denial. Jensen's annoyance is starting to ratchet up again. "He just said you hit him and told him to stay away from me."

Jared has the audacity to look annoyed. Even a little pissed. "I can honestly say I've never once said that to him in all the years you've been dating."

Jensen throws up his hands. This whole thing is just perplexing. "Then why, Jay?"

Jared folds his arms across his chest. "To be honest by the time I hit him, it was less about you and more about what he said about…" He shrugs. "I did however threaten to do it again if he didn't have a heart-to-heart with you."

"You can't force fix our relationship."

"That's not what it's about. I just didn't want to see you go through -- look, Jen, I'm trying to be a good friend, not a jealous ex."

Jensen steps back. "Go through what?"

"I really wanted him to be the one to tell you." Jared sighs. "I only stopped to confront him after I saw him with some other guy."

Jensen feels a cold sensation wash over him. "Some guy like some co-worker guy?"

"Some guy like some sucking-his-tongue-out-of-his-mouth guy." Jared's face is carefully schooled but he doesn't look away. "I'm sorry, Jen. I would have given anything for you not to find out this way. Or better yet for it not to have happened."

The "like last time" is unspoken. Like Matt. How is this happening again? Did he have a built-in magnet for these type of guys? Two out of three boyfriends has to be some kind of a record.

Jensen plops into Tori's abandoned chair. "Well, shit."

Jared suddenly looks awkward just like every single heart-to-heart Jensen forced on him before they started dating. And all at once, Jensen is seventeen again.

"Why does this keep happening?" Jensen asks.

"Well, I'm not going to comment on Tahmoh because y'all might work everything out and you'll just be pissed at me, but I can say with certainty that Matt was a dickhead. I should know." Jared gives him a half-smile.

Jensen almost smiles when he sees it, but then he remembers how miserable he is.

"Look, Jen, Em's better at this sort of thing than me, but I think Stephen's right. This whole separation thing is bullshit. Nothing's getting resolved, whatever the issue is. You're just hanging in limbo. You need to move forward. And if that's with Tahmoh, I'm happy for you. All I want is for you to be happy. I'll even pretend to get along with him."

Jensen studies him a second. "You really mean that, don't you?"

Jared shrugs. "I'll deny it if you tell anyone."

And that's the Jared he knows and loves.

"Do you want a beer?" Jared asks. "You look like you need a beer. I don't have any but I know where Stephen hides his. The tequila too."

Yep. That's his Jared.

***

Jensen has plenty of time to analyze every second of his relationship. It's painful to look back over 6 years (minus that 5 month break in the middle) and realize you're involved with a major asshole. How the hell had he missed it? 

He hadn't really. 

He'd just ignored the bits of Tahmoh he didn't like. He made the mistake of assuming that deep down Tahmoh was a good guy because he was always good to and caring toward Jensen. He turned a blind eye to Tahmoh's jealousy and possessiveness for the most part. It was just a sign of how much he cared, right?

Jensen realizes now he should have just ended it when Tahmoh gave him that ultimatum. He shouldn't have put his life on hold waiting for Tahmoh to come around. Tahmoh had never liked Jared, had always complained that Jensen's ex was still in his life. He said it wasn't normal, but Jensen couldn't imagine a life without Jared in it in some way. Besides Jared comes with his other friends. They're a package deal, and it's completely selfish for Tahmoh to expect him to give up his friends, people he's closer to than his family.

So, he's gone over every memory, good and bad. Jensen finds that he's mad but he's not heartbroken. He's mad that he's wasted so much time on a relationship that was clearly doomed from the beginning.  Only one of them fully invested. Like Emily said, if Tahmoh was already dating someone else, he was just looking for an excuse to get out, and he used Jared's return to initiate it.

***

The swelling has gone down in Tahmoh's eye and it's mostly just purple, blues, and yellows. Jensen's still not pleased with Jared, but he's not enthused with Tahmoh at the moment either.

"Hey, babe." Tahmoh kisses his cheek before joining Jensen at a table in their favorite Mexican place.

They order their drinks.

Jensen says, "You're eye looks better."

Tahmoh winces. "I had to tell everyone it was a racket ball injury. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have to go before a judge with this thing?"

Jensen gives him a small, sympathetic smile. "Well, you're a good enough liar to convince them, I'm sure."

Tahmoh looks taken aback. "What? Is that a lawyer crack? From you?"

"Tahmoh, I talked to Jay," Jensen says, keeping his voice down. "Did you think I wouldn't?"

Tahmoh has the good graces to look a little guilty. "He said I should be the one to say." He shrugs. "I assumed he wouldn't."

Jensen wants to hit him upside his head because he knows Tahmoh is smarter than that. "He's  _ my _ friend. Not yours. Why would he keep your secrets?"

"It wasn't a secret, Jensen. We're separated."

"We're supposed to be working things out. You're supposed to be coming to the realization about how stupid it is to be jealous of Jared so we can get back to the status quo," Jensen hisses.

"It's not stupid, Jensen. I've seen the way you look at each other. I've always known that if he came back, that'd be the end of us."

Incredulous, Jensen shakes his head. "You didn't even give me a chance. All this time and you don't know me at all."

"Or maybe I know you better than you know yourself."

"Well, one thing's for sure, I didn't know you at all. I thought you were the one." And even as he says it, Jensen knows it's a lie. He can see by the look on Tahmoh's face that he knows it's a lie too. Now they're both liars.

"Maybe we should skip lunch and just go," Tahmoh says.

Jensen hears it for what it is. The end. He nods. "Yeah, maybe we should."

Jensen throws some money on the table to cover their drinks while Tahmoh makes his exit.

There's no crying, no pleading, no promises to stay friends. It's just over.

Jensen feels numb to it.

***

#  **Part III**

Fortunately, Valerie and Max find a house on the outskirts of town within a week of arriving in their RV with their furniture and boxes packed neatly in a Pod. The whole family, including Jensen, helps them move in. Well, everyone but the twins who are conveniently at a birthday party.

By lunch time, it's easy to see how frustrated Jared is that he can't help with the heavy lifting. While Jared and Tori are unpacking all of the lower cabinets and drawers in the kitchen, Stephen and Jensen unload Jared's motorcycle from the Pod. Valerie wants them to store it in the back of the garage before Jared can see it.

Jensen runs his hand over the shiny chrome. Even 10 years later, it's in beautiful condition. He can practically feel her engine revving beneath his fingers. He loved riding on the back, hands wrapped around Jared's waist. There are so many memories -- going to the overlook and later, riding along the coast. Anything to be free.

"If you stop drooling we can move it," Stephen says.

Jensen jerks out of his reverie. "Sorry. It's just a shame he can't ride it. He loved this hunk of junk."

"Don't let him hear you say that," Stephen smirks as they roll it to the back of the garage.

"You think he'll ever let Tori ride it?"

"Well, it was his dads and he's her dad, so...no way in hell is he letting her on it."

Jensen chuckles. "Did you ever think you'd see him as a dad?"

They park it and cover it with tarp.

"Jay?" Stephen considers it. "No." He shrugs. "Maybe. I think maybe. You know, once he settled down or something. Maybe back when you guys were together."

"Us? Parents?"

"Look, this is Em's area, but...everyone was surprised when Jay did the whole monogamy thing with you. Honestly, we kind of thought he was broken in that area."

"Well, he just needed someone to show him what's possible. I broke him in for his forever someone." Jensen winces because he can't believe he just said 'forever someone' in a sentence. What is he 12?

Stephen lifts an eyebrow but doesn't remark on the wording. "Yeah, I don't know, Jense. I don't think he's done the boyfriend experience with anyone but you. Em might know better. He just never talked about anyone and you know the way Em pries."

Jensen purses his lips. Jared never discussed that side of his life. Jensen assumed he found it too awkward. Jensen himself had only mentioned Tahmoh to Jared when they had gotten serious. He hadn't wanted Jared to hear it from someone else.

"Huh."

Stephen grabs his shoulder and pushes him back toward the pile of boxes. "C'mon, if we keep moving, we'll be done by the end of next week."

***

Jared is napping in the guest room. He was kind of like a 2 year old when Valerie tried to get him in there, claiming he was fine, didn't need a nap, wasn't sleepy. However, a pain pill and 2 minutes alone and Jared was out like a light.

So, Tori is unpacking the books when Jensen brings her a dolly full of book boxes.

"How's it going, Tor?" Jensen asks her.

"Well, I had no idea Grampa read so much about wars and Gramma reads a lot of those historical romances."

"Yeah, I wouldn't comment on the romances…"Jensen says. "I got at least another load for you in the carport."

"Okay. Not like I'm going anywhere."

Jensen smiles at her. "You're not alone." Jensen makes it to the door when she calls him back.

"Hey, Uncle Jensen?"

He leans on the door jam. "Yeah, kiddo."

"So not a kid and now I'm not gonna tell you."

Jensen laughs at her teen antics. "Okay, not-a-kid, what's up?" He comes back in the room and sits on a pile of book boxes.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry about, you know, the whole break up thing."

"Well, thanks, but it was a long time coming." He manages to say it without bitterness and he's quite proud of himself.

"Is it okay though if I'm glad you're not dating Tahmoh anymore?"

Jensen scratches his cheek. "You're glad? Why's that?"

She shrugs and leans against the built-in bookshelves. "He just didn't seem-" She makes a face. "He seemed two-faced, like Ashley Meyers at school, you know? He's nice to your face but not-so-much when you're out of the room?"

"Did he treat you like that?" Jensen sits up straight.

She shrugs again. "I just don't think he likes kids. He was always nice to us when you were around but...I don't know, kind of distant when you weren't."

Jensen bit his bottom lip, considering this new bit of information. He really didn't know his boyfriend as well as he thought.

"Well, tell you what? Next time you have some insight into someone I'm dating, you let me know, okay?"

She looks wary.

"Really, your opinion is important to me, okay?"

She brightens and smiles at him. It's a smile he's seen so many times before on a different face, all dimples and teeth. Only this time, he wants to pinch her cheeks. He doesn't though. He starts to stand but she starts talking again.

"Uncle Jensen?"

"Yeah?"

"Aunt Em says you and my -- uh -- Jay used to date?"

Biting his lip, he nods slowly, unsure where this is going. "Yeah, is that weird for you?"

She shakes her head. "No. I know he likes boys and girls."

"Okay. So what's your question?"

"Well...what happened? Why aren't you together together anymore?"

"Wow, that's a heavy question. I don't know if I can sum it up in a few words."

She looks expectant. 

"Okay, well, we weren't that much older than you and my parents really didn't like Jay because they're ass- um - jerks. So we had to keep our relationship a secret for a while which made things complicated, put a strain on it, you know?"

She nods slows like maybe she kind of gets it.

"Then after high school, we lived in different cities and between Jay's work and my school, we just…" He swallows. 

"It's complicated?" she says after he's quiet for a moment.

"Yeah, we weren't in the same place then."

"You're in the same place now."

Jensen laughs. "No, I don't mean location, sweetie, but I appreciate what you're doing."

She blinks innocently at him. "What am I doing?"

Jensen resists the urge to ruffle her hair. "Trying to get me to date your dad."

She feigns surprise. "Well, I wasn't but would that be such a bad idea?"

Jensen wants to say it is, but he knows that's a lie. He doesn't want to tell her that neither Jared nor  he is in a good place right now. They'd be setting themselves up to fail all over again.

"Maybe one day," he tells her. "If the stars align, okay?" He gets up.

"Okay."

"I'll get that other load of books for you."

"Oh, god," she moans. "Save me."

***

Jared is sitting on the back porch, savoring the one cigarette and the 12 ounces of caffeine allotted to him in a day. It's after 10pm because Emily won't let him smoke while the kids are awake and easily influenced by his bad habits. He wants to point out that she never thought it was a criminally bad habit until she became a mom but he knows he'll lose that argument.

Emily is lounging next to him, leaning on his shoulder just like they used to do when they were in high school.

"Your daughter is taking an interest in your love life," she says.

"My daughter Tori?" he replies.

"Do you have another daughter I don't know about?"

"Don't even joke about that."

She laughs. "Seriously, she found the picture of all of us going to prom."

Jared using taking a drag to consider his answer. "I thought I burned all of those."

"Please...Val has copies hidden everywhere. Besides, it's the only time we've ever had you in a suit except the wedding."

He rolls his eyes. "So, what's any of that have to do with my theoretical love life?"

She gives him a you're-stupid look. "You know...Jensen's single again."

"Jensen just got out of a 3 ½ year relationship, 4 if you count the first 6 months they dated before the 6 month split."

"Ignoring that-"

"Ignoring that, I already told you, I'm not ready for any kind of relationship. I may never be...not the way I am now."

"There's nothing wrong with 'the way you are now'."

He gives her the you're-stupid look.

"You know what I mean," she insists.

He shakes his head. "It wouldn't be fair to anyone."

"Relationships aren't about fairness, Jay. They're about love and respect and-"

"And Hallmark card slogans."

She shoves him. "Well, at least I know you're feeling better if you're being snarky again."

He takes another slow drag. "Yeah, okay."

He  _ has _ been feeling better the last few weeks. Maybe not physically. He's still having a lot of pain, chronic headaches, bouts of forgetfulness, problems with brain fog, and so on. That's just become his everyday norm. 

But he has been feeling better about things in general. 

Things are going well with Tori. They're spending more time together now that school's out and she's just volunteering a few days a week at the library.

Knowing his mom and dad are nearby has seemed to ease some of his stress. They're far enough away that his mom isn't smothering him but close enough that if he needs help, they'll be there. He still hates to ask for help, but it's a relief to know it's there if he needs it.

Things have gotten a little more routine sharing living space with Stephen and Emily and their kids. And if he gets too crowded or stressed, he can go into his studio apartment and lock the door.

***

The thing is that once the seed has been planted in Jared's brain, he can't help but dwell on it for awhile. The fact that Tori keeps asking questions about when the four of them were in high school really keeps it in the forefront of his mind too.

And the problem is that he doesn't want to dwell on it because he screwed things up. Twice. He once told Jensen that he'd never be the guy who wakes up one day and realizes they were always meant to be together, but one morning four years ago, he woke up at 4 A.M. and looked over at Jensen on the pillow next to him and he realized Jensen was the only one he ever really truly madly deeply loved.

And it scared the crap out of him.

Just like the one time Jensen told him that he loved him, he freaked.

Jared just didn't have the wiring required to deal with emotional processing. He needed time and space to work it out in his head. Except by the time he figured it all out, Jensen was back together with Tahmoh and it was too late.

And the truth is that Jensen has a pattern. After the breakup with Matt, he was Jensen's rebound boyfriend. After the first breakup with Tahmoh, he was Jensen's rebound hook-up. He honestly doesn't think he could handle being Jensen's convenient consolation prize.

***

Jensen is flustered when he returns to the office. The parents of one of his kids are a serious pain in his ass. They're divorced and fighting over custody. He suspects the dad might be using drugs but can't prove it and his own client, the mom, isn't much better. The judge in the case appointed him as advocate for the kid. And Jensen has come to the conclusion that neither parent is a suitable parent, never were. He hates these cases. He prefers the cases where a family is reunited or a foster kid is adopted. He even prefers the juvenile criminal defense cases over these. No one, particularly the kid, wins in these.

  
He must look distressed when he enters because instead of holding out his messages, Lindsey hands him a take-out bag instead. The smell is seeping through the bag. Fried Chicken.

"Georgia's?" he asks, mouth watering.

She nods with a smile.

"Oh, my god, you are the best-"

"Don't thank me. Jay brought it."

Jensen glances toward his closed office door. He hadn't even noticed the lights were out in there. "He's still here?"

She nods sympathetically. "Bad day, I think."

Jensen had given Jared a key to his office so he'd have somewhere to go either between appointments or just when he was having a bad day. Jared, being Jared, had at first been resistant to the idea because he didn't want to impose, but ended up being lured by the oversized couch Jensen keeps in there for cat naps and late nights.

"Okay." Jensen nods. He starts to turn the knob and turns back to Lindsey. "You  _ are _ the best, you know. Georgia's or not."

She grins at him.

The only light in the office is coming from his computer and peeking around the edges of his blinds.

"Hey," Jared says quietly when Jensen enters. He's sitting at the end of the couch with his eyes closed. Jensen's seen him do that when he's fighting off a headache.

"Hey, you're up," he says just as quietly.

"I heard you come in."

"Oh, sorry."

"S'okay. I wasn't asleep or anything."

Jensen sets his fried chicken take-out on the desk. "Couldn't or didn't want to?"

"I didn't want to sleep through my interview."

"Oh, yeah, the garage, right?"

"Yeah. J.D.'s." Jared says.

"What's the deal again? He'll let you work part-time?"

"Part-time part-time. He only hires disabled vets. He trains them up to be mechanics using all this specialized equipment." He shrugs. "Katie says it's a good deal and he'll let me work only a couple of hours a week, if I need it. I won't have to worry so much if I can't make it." Meaning if he's having a bad day.

Jensen nods thoughtfully. "And you think you're ready? To go back to work again?"

"God, yes. A man can only take so many puzzles and Candyland marathons before he goes crazy."

"And it's not a new skill for  _ you _ ."

"Yeah. I think that'll work in my favor, right?" Jared smiles softly.

"Yeah, I think so." Jensen chuckles as he pulls out the take-out. Fried Chicken. Coleslaw. Mashed Potatoes. Almost as good as Valerie's. "Want some?"

Jared shakes his head. "I already ate."

Jensen takes a bite and savors the best food he's had all week. "So, Em, tells me Tori has a little crush at the library."

Jared sighs heavily. "Yeah, I heard. I saw the little weasel cozying up to her this morning."

Jensen laughs. "Weasel?"

"Yeah, now I just have to figure out how to menace him away without her noticing."

Jensen stops eating and blinks at Jared. "Why?"

"Cuz he's a boy."

Jensen shrugs. "So."

"So, I used to be a boy. I know what he's after."

Jensen smothers a laugh because Jared appears to be dead serious. "He's thirteen."

"So? Tori's mom and I were only 2 years older when --" He makes a random gesture.

"Yeah, but no offense, Jay, but you were kind of an early bloomer as far as sluttiness goes."

Jay looks a little put off but then he shrugs and says, "Yeah, okay. Before we dated, I did get around a little."

"Just before? What's the longest you've gone without?" Because, really, Jared's lucky he only has one illegitimate daughter and no STDs.

Jared's quiet so long, Jensen thinks he's not going to answer. Maybe he's too pissed to answer. It was a terribly catty, rude remark, especially on his part. Especially since he really kind of doesn't want to think about all of Jared's partners or boyfriends or girlfriends, for that matter.

"Four years," Jared says so softly Jensen almost doesn't catch it. He actually chokes on his mashed potatoes, which requires quite a bit of talent.

"What?" Jensen asks.

"Four years," Jared states matter-of-factly.

"Four..." Jensen's brain has completely blanked. He can't even process what that might mean. Of course, he has the tiniest bit of hope it might mean what he thinks it might mean.   

"But whatever you're thinking," Jay adds, "Don't."

"Jay, that's a pretty big revelation," Jensen says. "You can't say something like that and not expect me to think-"

Jared pushes himself to his feet. "Jen, in case you haven't noticed, the better part of last year, I've been a bit too distracted to think about sex."

Jensen stands to stop him from leaving. "But  _ four _ years-"

"And the army still has those pesky rules about fraternization between ranks and more importantly don't-ask-don't tell. Fucking around hasn't been on my list of priorities."

Jensen feels as if he's been punched in the gut. Of course. Stupid of him to think it might have something to do with him, with them.   "Right."

"I should go. I got that...thing," Jared says as he walks to the door.

"Right. Good luck with that." Jensen can hear the bitterness and disappointment laced through his voice.

Jared pauses with his hand on the door knob. Without turning to look at him, Jared says, "You know, Jen. You're a great guy. You just need to sort out what you want. And no more assholes." 

He's gone before Jensen can reply, but Jensen is hit with a dose of deja vu because Jared told him that before they started dating and Jensen's never really paid much heed to the advice. Mostly because he doesn't realize they're assholes until it's too late.

Plus, Jared insists he's one and maybe he used to be, but he's just grumpy and cynical and stubborn.

Jensen plops into his chair and pushes his lunch away. There has to be more to this.

***

Jared's been avoiding Jensen for the last few weeks. Jensen knows it. Jared knows it. Pretty much everyone knows it except maybe the twins. 

Emily has a one time guest role on some new superhero series. So she's going to Vancouver for a week. She and Stephen go up the Friday before the episode filming starts so they can have some adult time. She convinces Jensen to stay at the house for the weekend to help Jared watch the twins. Jared suspects she also wants Jensen to keep an eye on him, and he doesn't blame her, but he also suspects an alternative motive. He's even more suspicious when Tori announces she has a sleepover for Friday.

H knows he's been plotted against when Jensen shows up with take-out -- McDonalds for the girls and Chinese for them. Jared feels a wave of nostalgia with the very smell of Chinese. It was their first date and the two are entwined in his mind.

To stave off whatever Jensen has planned, Jared lets his nieces stay up later than usual, even for a Friday. However, once they're in bed, there's nothing to do but brace himself.

"There are DVDs, if you want to watch something." Jared doesn't actually watch movies anymore. He doesn't read books or watch anything on TV longer than 30 minutes. It's too much effort to follow everything and he'd rather use that mental power on important things like anything Tori has to say or remembering how to put an engine back together -- not that he needs to do that quite yet. It'll be another couple of months before he's cleared to do a few hours a week worth of work at J.D.'s garage.

Jensen shakes his head as he pours himself a glass of wine. He doesn't bother to offer Jared any because they've been through the whole alcohol-interferes-with-my-meds conversation before. "No, I'd rather just sit and talk. We haven't had time lately to just visit."

Jared lowers himself into the recliner but he's wary. "Okay. I hear the Cowboys are having a good year."

Jensen tilts his head and sighs heavily. Jared is intimately familiar with that particular look of frustrated annoyance. He's seen it plenty of times. Jensen sits on the sofa not quite at the nearest end to Jared but close.

"I was thinking we could maybe talk about what happened at my office," Jensen says.

Jared shakes his head and says, "No."

"But, Jay-"

"No, I said all I'm going to say already."

"But you just dropped a bombshell-"

"Jensen, I said 'no'."

Jensen sighs and says, "Well, then I want to talk about how I feel."

"Don't try that lawyer-loophole-crap with me. I said 'no'." He starts to get up.

"Wait, just let me say this because it's been eating at me for weeks. You owe me that much."

Jared sighs and drops his head. He did make a pretty big confession even if he tried to blow it off as no big deal. He supposes Jensen has a right to voice his opinion. He doesn't sit though. Instead he walks to the doorway and leans against the door jam with his arms crossed. "Okay."

Jensen swallows and hesitates. Finally, he says, "I…" He rubs the back of his neck, a sign Jared recognizes as nervousness. Jensen stands, putting his wine glass on the coffee table. "I would like to get back together if you, you know, want to."

Jared shakes his head. "I don't think that's a good idea, Jen." Jared winces inwardly at the hurt written across Jensen's face, but he stands his ground.

"But- Why?"

Jared sucks in a deep breath. Here it is. "Even if I wanted to be in a relationship, and I don't, you just got out of a long-term relationship. You were living together for over 2 years. I can't be your consolation prize just because I'm conveniently present."

Jensen actually looks taken aback. "But you're not.  You're not a consolation prize, Jay. Don't you see? Tahmoh was the convenient one. He was right. We never would have worked out once you came home."

Jared's shaking his head. It's easy for Jensen to say these things now that Tahmoh screwed up and they've split.

Jensen continues, "You're the one that I want, the one that I belong with. I know that now." Jensen stands directly in front of Jared with a pleading expression. "I've loved you since I was 17. I just got detoured. We both did." 

Jensen reaches for him, but Jared backs up out of reach, almost tripping as he does so. He shakes his head. "I can't, Jen. I just can't." 

Jensen sighs with exasperation. "Why do you have to make things so difficult, Jay? You've always made things difficult for yourself."

Jared winces at the truth.

"Remember the first time we kissed?"

And Jared does. It wasn't one of his finest moments. His first big freak out about Jensen. He had been inexplicably over his head. He had been all wrong for Jensen and he still was.

"Jay, you've been running since before that kiss and it's time to stop," Jensen says quietly. "I love you. I never stopped."

"Were you thinking that when you were telling Tahmoh you loved him?" Jared says bitterly.

Jensen flinches. "I can't change the past any more than you can."

Jared hangs his head, feeling his bangs fall over his forehead. They've been growing out since the "incident". He shakes his head. "I'm not-"

He's so distracted with his self-deprecating mental excuses, he's caught completely unaware.

Jensen's hands forcefully cup his cheeks, raising his head so Jensen can kiss him hard.

And it's so good. Jensen tastes like the Chinese from earlier. He tastes like everything Jared's ever wanted and never thought he'd have again. And after a moment, he can't help himself. It's like coming home. His hands bookend Jensen's face and tilts it for better access. He licks deep inside, lets his tongue tangle with Jensen's, and it's so incredibly hot.

Jared turns Jensen so he can push him against the wall, crowding him, ravaging his mouth like a starving man at a buffet.

When he realizes what he's doing, Jared jerks back. "Jensen…"

Jensen is panting, his lips swollen. He looks completely debauched. He shakes his head. "Oh, no. We're not going through this again."

Jared comes up short and looks perplexed.

"You completely freaked out the first time we kissed. You are  _ not _ going to do that to me again." Jensen grabs his shirt and pulls him back in kissing him a little more gently. 

Jared feels his resilience crumble. He's never been very good at saying no to Jensen. Not since Jensen tricked him into taking him to Prom junior year. That's probably when he started to fall.

Jared sighs and rests his forehead against Jensen's. "Jen, I don't know if I can…"

"Of course, you can.  _ We _ can. We'll go slow like the first time."

Jared cuts him off. "No, I mean, I don't think I can. I'm completely messed up. I have. You know all my issues. I'd be no good for you."

"Let me be the decider of what's good for me. We're good for each other. I know it."

"It didn't work out last time," Jared pointed out. "Things weren't good."

"That's totally different. We were kids and we were in different places. We've both grown up. We're in the same city."

One side of Jared's mouth quirks up. Them living in separate cities had been a point of dissention between them. The fact that they're both here in L.A. is a good sign.

Jared pulls away and sits back in the chair. "I don't know."

"You don't have to know. That's the beauty of dating. You date to find out."

"What are we finding out?"

Jensen sits on the edge of coffee table in front of Jared. "Well, we find out if things are different this time."

"And if it's not? I can't lose you, Jen. You're my best friend."

Jensen puts his hands on Jared's knees. "You won't lose me, Jay, and if I'm right, we'll be better than best friends. So much more. Look, we've never had a problem in the bedroom, right? It's the rest of life that's been mucked up, but we're different now. Both of us. The situation is different."

"It's still complicated," Jared says.

"It'll always be at least a little complicated. If it wasn't, it wouldn't be worth it, but I believe in us. I'm willing to go slow, wait things out while we sort things out...or while you sort things out. Though I still think we'd be better sorting together." Jensen is wearing a hopeful smile.

Jared bites the side of his mouth. His head is spinning and he feels sick to his stomach. Things could go horribly wrong. Or Jensen could be right and they could go wonderfully right. But when it comes down to it, Jared is in love with Jensen. Has been a long, long time. He can't deny he wants this chance to have Jensen for himself for always.

"Okay, but I'm not promising anything," Jared says. "We'll go slow. Date."

Jensen's smile spreads wide. "Okay. Okay."

Jared offered up his own wary smile.

Things are a little awkward after that and there's some talk about when and where to go on their second first date, but Jared's exhausted both physically and emotionally. So after a PG-13 kiss goodnight, Jared heads to bed. Alone. 

He's settled in for the night when he realizes Jensen said "I love you" and he didn't freak out.

***

Things don't really change that much. Except for the make-out sessions, because, yeah, those are specularly awesome. Better than when they were teenagers. Pretty much because they already worked out the kinks.

Mostly they continue on with Jensen working and Jared going to all of his physical and mental therapy sessions. Jared still drops by once or twice a week at Jensen's office and Jensen spends more time at the Amell's with Jared. They start going on typical dates, dinner, putt-putt, visits to local cultural hotspots like the museum, the Botanical Gardens, anywhere that doesn't require long distance walking -- the museum has benches. They hold hands in public.

Jared thinks Emily and Val are more excited about Jensen and him dating than anyone, including Jared and Jensen themselves. Then there's Tori who seems to be setting up scenarios for them to be alone together.

Not that Jared minds -- especially the alone together part -- but it's a lot of pressure. Everyone expects them to be couple of the year, the next Bennifer or whatever the magic couple is this year. Jarsen? Jenred?

Meanwhile, they really are going slow. They've haven't gone to bed together. They never had an issue with the physical. So, now it's time to re-acquaint themselves with each other on a more emotional level without the difficulties of having to hide their relationship like in high school and what they mean to each other or living over 100 miles apart or being in different social classes.

Jensen jokes that Jared wanting to wait is just like the first time around. Unamused, Jared points out that it had been worth the wait. That promptly shuts Jensen up.

***

Lindsey is practically in love with Jared herself. She tells Jensen often that he's the best boss since they started dating. Plus, catching them making out three times has apparently made her month. She's actually started flinging open the office door at random times hoping to catch them.

Jensen finds it hilarious how everyone wants to see them in couple mode when ten years ago, they had to hide from an entire town.

 

*** 

One Tuesday, Jensen hears a commotion in the outer office. Lindsey is unnaturally high pitched. The other is a male voice that seems familiar but he can't place it until he's at his office door and takes in the scene.

Travis Wade is pointing a shotgun at Lindsey and Jensen can't understand what they're saying to each other because --  _ shotgun. _ Just when he thinks to back into his office and call 911, Wade sees him and starts shouting at him and pointing the gun at him.

Jensen blinks and tries to stay calm. That's what they say in all of those courthouse drills he's participated in. Stay calm. Do what the hostage taker says.

He raises his hands. "It's okay, Mr. Wade. Let's all calm down."

"Don't fucking tell me to calm down, you fucking asshole!" Wade says. The way his words are slurring together, Jensen knows he's drunk.

"Okay," he says. "Okay." He wants to suggest Wade let Lindsey go but he has a feeling that will go bad. Besides, Wade's already gesturing Lindsey over toward Jensen.

Lindsey looks terrified and he'd do anything to take that look off her face.

"What can I help you with to de-escalate this situation?" Jensen says as calmly as possible but the tremor in his voice gives him away. "I'm sure we can discuss this like adults so no one has to get hurt."

"Dont! Don't fucking patronize me, Ackles! You are a giant pain in my ass. It's all your fault they won't let me see my boy!"

Jensen sucks in a breath. There is always someone who's not happy at the end of a custody battle especially when one of the parents loses visiting rights too. Jensen always tries to ensure that both his client and the other parent have access to the child. It's only fair to everyone especially the child. However, when one of the parents is a danger to the child...well, he always does what's best for the child.

However, he's not above deflecting when a shotgun is pointed at him by a drunk, crazy guy.

"Uh.  No, you know, I don't have that kind of power. That was Judge Pelligrino. You remember?"

"Don't fucking try to confuse me. You're the one who told him I was a drunk and an addict."

Jensen resists pointing out Wade's not helping his case, but he wisely keeps his mouth shut.

"Well...why don't I give the judge a call and tell him I was wrong? Would that work?"

"Jensen," Lindsey hisses in warning.

One second Wade has his mouth open to say something while lifting his gun to aim it directly at Jensen and the next, he's on the ground with Jared's boot on his back and the shotgun hanging from one hand.

"Stay down," Jared growls.

Jensen was so focused on the barrel of the gun he hadn't noticed Jared come in.

Lindsey collapses to the floor in a sobbing mess.

Jensen lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding and puts a hand to his pounding chest.

"Jay! Ohmigod!" Jensen says.

Wade tries to push himself up only to be shoved back down. 

"I said, stay." Jared looks at him with a pained expression. "You okay?"

Jensen nods and starts toward Jay determined to wrap himself around his most wonderful boyfriend. 

Jared shakes his head. "911," he says, "Linds, you okay?"

Lindsey nods, still crying.

"Want some water?" Jared asks her without moving from where he's still got Wade trapped. Wade is cussing up a storm and Jared is ignoring him. "Jen, get her some water when you're done."

Jensen was already on the phone with a 911 operator explaining the situation. Apparently the fact that no one was actually shot or still in danger confused things. They wanted him to wait on the line but he wanted to get the water for Lindsey. 

He knew he wasn't thinking clearly, he put the phone down on the desk and went to the office fridge to get them both a water. He even offered one to Jared who shook his head with an almost amused expression peaking through his serious one.

He unscrewed the top of the water and handed it to Lindsey.  "Better?" he asked softly as he squatted next to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

She turned her face into his neck and started to calm down.

Jared steps off Wade and lifts him with one hand, still holding the gun in his weaker left hand. He shoves Wade against the wall. "Stop struggling, asshole. I haven't been in a good brawl in almost a year and that was over something stupid..."

Jensen could hear the implication. A shiver ran down his spine. Suddenly, it occurred to him that this was the old Jared, the take-charge tough guy. His Jared.

Wade must see something in Jared's face because he shuts up.

"Good, sit." Jared shoves the guy into one of the chairs reserved for waiting clients.

Wade sits meekly looking defeated. He's crying softly.

"Jay, thank God," Jensen says as the sound of sirens can be heard in the distance.

Jared takes a step back and leans against the door frame, glancing out down the hall where people are slowly coming to their office doors to see what the commotion is about. Jensen can hear the loud whispering.

Jared waves them back into their offices. Jensen assumes the shotgun he's still holding makes Jared's point.

"Just, Jesus, Jen, what the fuck?" Jared replies running his free hand through his hair.

At that point Jensen sees Jared turn to the hall and slowly, carefully set the gun down on the ground. Jared stands and raises his hands. "Over there, officers. That's the man."

The next bit is even more confusing because Jensen and Lindsey have to convince the cops that Wade is the attacker, not Jared.

The whole rest of the day is taken up giving statements, dealing with rescheduling clients.

Jensen can see as the adrenaline leaves Jared's system, he begins to deteriorate quickly. After a short discussion with the officer in charge, Jared goes into the office and rests on the sofa with Lindsey. He puts his arm around her shoulder and promises it's going to be okay.

***

Lindsey spends a week at home recovering from the shock. Apparently she's a baker when she's upset because Jared is the recipient of two dozen each of chocolate, white, and strawberry cupcakes that are to die for. Plus there is the cheesecake, the apple pie, and the chocolate turtle cake saturated in caramel Seriously. It was saturated.

After Tori gets over being traumatized in her own way that her dad could have died again (and Jensen too. Really), she decides she wants to adopt Lindsey.

***

That night, Jensen stays over for the first time. Nothing happens, of course. They're both exhausted, Jared more than Jensen. In fact, he's in bed before dinner. Both of them just want to be sure the other is safe. 

The next day was a bad day for Jared and he ended up cancelling his physical therapy in favor of staying in bed most of the day. He felt brain fog but managed not to slip into an episode. He'd been doing so well keeping them at bay for a while now.

After that, Jensen stays over more often than not. Jared never stays at Jensen's though. It would throw off his routine and disturbances in his routine lent themselves to episodes.

***

Two weeks later, Jensen takes things into his own hands. Literally. Everyone is out of the house for one reason or another and Jensen brings Italian take-out, serves it on Emily's good China, and has an impromptu picnic with twinkle lights no less in the backyard.

After dinner, he takes Jared by the hand and leads him to his studio apartment, locking the door. Jensen hasn't been nervous about having sex since his first time with Jared. With Jared everything is always different. It was never about just getting off. Well, it wasn't always about getting off. It was about showing each other all the words they couldn't say to each other.

Jensen pulls Jared down to sit on the bed, just like they've done a hundred times before. They spend a long time exploring each other's mouths. Jared kisses him so deeply, it's hard to know if he's actually breathing or Jared's breathing for both of them. Their kisses are soft and gentle and slow mixed with fierce and hungry and frenzied.

Jensen can't get enough. He wants to have this everyday for the rest of their lives. Jensen wants it all with Jared. The whole shebang, the kid, the house, the dogs. Everything.

After a while Jensen moves to start unbuttoning Jared's shirt, but Jared stops him.

"Jay," Jensen whispers pleading.

"I can't…"

Jensen frowns. He knows for a fact that Jared is turned on, has been turned on every time they've made out these last weeks. "Jay-"

"No, Jen. I can't - I don't want you to see me. Not like...not like I am now."

Jensen understands Jared's worry now. "But I've already seen you."

Jared looks confused. "What? When?"

"That day you were lost downtown? When I brought you home, I helped you change out of your wet clothes."

"Oh, God," Jared covers his face in his hands.

Jensen takes his hands away and looks him in the eye. "There's nothing you should be ashamed about. I think you're beautiful. Scars and all. They're just proof that you're a survivor. I'm proud of you and thankful you are. Jay, you'll never be anything but beautiful to me."

Jared searches his face and he must see what he was looking for because he cups Jensen's face in his hands and kisses him hard and passionate and desperate and wanting.

It only takes Jensen three seconds to get with the program and in less than 10 minutes he's got them both naked in bed. He forces Jared to lay back and let Jensen worship him. Kissing, caressing, reacquainting himself with Jared's body.

They have some awkward mechanics to work out because of Jared's bum leg, but if that's the least problematic thing they ever have to deal with, then life is great.

***

They're lying in bed, sweaty and sated, curled into each other. Jared is absently rubbing circles on Jensen's back.

"I lied," Jared says softly.

Jensen tenses. "What?"

"I lied. Back when we first got together."

"Lied about what?" He's sounding displeased.

"I told you I wasn't the kind of guy who'd wake up one day and realize you're The One, but it was a lie."

Jensen relaxes. "Yeah?"

"When I realized it, I totally freaked. I ran."

Jensen nods his head against Jared's shoulder. Somehow he's not surprised. "So...I'm The One."

"I think you've always been The One. I think I was sunk the day you tricked me into taking you to prom."

Jensen can't help grinning. "You were such a sucker."

Jared playfully nudges Jensen. "You wormed your way in. Somehow I went from hating you to wanting you without even realizing it and even after we broke up…" Jared clears his throat.

Jensen nods again, understanding. "I think we were always going to end up here again."

"Yeah...you know, Val and Max, Em and Stephen, the twins, even Tori -- they're family; the family I always wanted growing up and I…" Jared pauses. "I love them like the family I always should have had. But, you, Jen, you're the one person I never knew I needed, never thought to wish for, never bothered to hope for. You took me by surprise. You made me want to be a better man, you still do. Everyday I wake up and can't believe you're here."

Jensen remains as still as possible because this is the most Jared's ever said about his feelings about anyone, let alone him.

"I can't imagine a future without you in it," Jared says. "I've...I've been in love with you almost half my life and that terrifies me."

Jensen leans up on one elbow and kisses Jared gently. "I love you. I'm not going anywhere."

Jared pulls him into a hug and kisses his hair.

***

After another month the house starts to feel crowded. Jared's studio isn't really big enough for both of them and between them, Emily and Stephen, and the kids, everyone is just tripping over each other.

Jensen's apartment would be okay if it were just them but they have Tori too and she is determined to be a part of whatever family they're forming, much to Jared's pleasure and relief. He thinks he might be ready to be her guardian as well as her dad. Plus, he has Jensen for when he can't be there for her like he wants.

So,  near by and on the same bus line, they find a two bedroom apartment in a medium-sized complex with a grassy common area, a pool, a gym, and a clubhouse. 

Jensen's somewhat surprised when Jared doesn't say anything about the cost and goes along with Jensen's plan that he pay the rent and Jared pay the utilities which is just electric, water, and cable. Jensen's so bothered by the lack of argument, he brings it up a week later.

Jared says, "In the bigger scheme of things who pays for what doesn't matter as much as being together. We wasted so much time --  _ I _ wasted so much time arguing over money. I'm never going to make what you do, Jen, and you and Tori deserve the best. If that means swallowing my stupid pride, then that's the least I can do."

It's the absolutely right thing to say and Jared is well rewarded for it.

The transition is a little rough until they figure out a routine and Jared gets used to it. 

Friday nights they eat dinner at Stephen and Emily's and Sunday afternoons they have supper with Val and Max with the whole family. They have date nights and they suffer immensely from Tori's "Awww"s when she catches them kissing.

All in all, life is as perfect as it's going to be. They still argue. They still make up with just as much passion as they argued. 

Jared still has memory problems and the occasional episodes, but he goes back to work as a mechanic. They both go to as many of Tori's extracurricular activities as they can. Jared teaches her self-defense when she starts dating. Jensen thinks Jared's over-protectiveness is hilarious. 

Yes, all in all, everything is good.

Jared never says he loves Jensen in public. That's just not the way he is. But he shows the world in a thousand little things he does. The way he holds Jensen's hand when they walk down the street. The way he always opens doors for Jensen. The way he brings Jensen his favorite take-out once a week. The way he ensures Jensen always has fresh, hot coffee just the way he likes it first thing in the morning. The way Jensen never has to ask him to wear a suit jacket when attending work-related functions. 

And so much more. 

Most importantly, he never freaks out about the important things.

But late at night when it's just them and it's quiet, he'll say it softly just loud enough for Jensen to hear.

 


End file.
